I'd normally be traveling with Cynthia for her birthday. November just works out to be a great time to travel both for the weather where we want to go and for getting time away from the responsibilities at home. In fact we had been planning on her being here. That's one of the things "we" talked about in her final hours; the cool little places I found to rent for the two of us in Costa Rica.

Soooo, I spent today with my imaginary friends; Mom and Cynthia. They hung out with me on the porch all morning, then we had a nice time at the beach, and now we're back home again. Girls' day. :) I may sound like a lunatic but I don't care. The three of us have been spending a great day together for her birthday. So today I started. I started doing the healing things that I've been meaning to do on this trip. 3 1/2 weeks in, but hey, I knew it would take me a while to wind down and get into it. I certainly have the random crying part down pat, but the productive soul-cleansing has been lacking.

I attempted a 10 minute beginner's yoga on YouTube this morning which was pretty hilarious, but I did it. Then I found a great guided centering meditation also on YouTube. My mind wandered quite a bit but I kept bringing myself back to the focus and I was able to release some tension. My throat has been so tight and I even have to take some deep breaths sometimes and have some tightness in my chest. I do believe it's all just stress. I have a long way to go, but I finally started which feels really really good.

It's the best birthday present I can give to Cynthia at this point (and to everyone else who is close to me), especially since I'm not attending her Celebration of Life in Park City this evening.

It's so hard to know how to deal with grief (which I feel I'm relatively okay with), the trauma and shock of losing them both (this is the main thing that I think is effecting me), and the need to re-define myself (no idea how that's going to go). I still have some amazing people in my life who I consider family. I'm lucky to have them and cherish how much they mean to me. But at the same time, these two did consist of a sizable portion of my "people" and my daily interactions and thoughts that involved them are now gone.

I not only have to figure out how to travel alone (hopefully I will have new travel buddies - I even have one already in the works!), but also deal with NOT excitedly planning my trips with Cynthia and NOT being able to call my mom and tell her all the cool stuff I'm doing. Major changes.

Walking on the beach today I let the wind blow right through my soul. I took it all in that I'm here in Costa Rica. I'm traveling alone. It might feel like I'm floundering but I'm not really. I'm doing it.